Friday, August 6, 2010

"Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?"


(Dog Trainer Version)

Pavlov: We fed the chicken on the opposite side of the road each day
at 4 p.m. until the chicken's autonomic system actually began causing
the chicken to cross the road at 4 p.m. without even questioning the why.

B.F. Skinner: On prior occasions when the chicken voluntarily crossed
the road, this behavior was followed immediately by a reinforcing consequence.

Cesar Milan: I bullied, chased, poked, and intimidated the chicken until
it raced across the road because I am a strong leader, damn it!

Barbara Woodhouse: You just say, "Walkies!" with the right accent
and place a crumpet on the other side of the road.

Karen Pryor: by associating R+ with road crossing and P+ with
standing still, with a VR schedule, and offering a reward in keeping
with the Premack principle, we increased the intensity and frequency
of the road crossing behavior.

Bill Koehler: a few well-timed pops on the choke chain and the chicken
was happy to cross the road and get away from me.

Nicholas Dodman: I gave the chicken fluoxetine, sertraline, paroxetine,
carbamazepine, and azapirone and then it just floated across the road.

Patti Ruzzo: I crossed the road, pausing every step to spit a treat out of
my mouth like a human pez dispenser and the chicken followed along
catching the treats, soon becoming morbidly obese.

Electric Collar Advocate: Whenever the chicken does not cross the road I
give it an electric shock. But do not worry, the shock is no more than you
would feel if you walked on a carpet
wearing socks and it does not bother
the chicken at all. The feathers standing
up and the smell of burning flesh mean nothing. In fact, they are happier having
nice clear communication than they would
be otherwise.

Yuppie: Chickens are just like little people in feather jackets, and if
you love them and give them diamonds and feel sorry for them all
the time, they will be happy to cross the road for you.

Paris Hilton: Because I put it in a Gucci bag and carried it.

Shelter director: Any chickens that do not cross the road will be
euthanized for their own good, and the others will be adopted out
tomorrow for 50 cents to anyone with a pulse, no questions asked.
Please send us money so we can keep doing more of this important work!

HSUS member: We passed a law mandating that chickens be kept
without cages because animals belong only in the wild and cannot be
happy coexisting with man, so now they are walking wherever they want.

PETA member: I do not know anything about animals, I have never been around animals, but chickens have the right to live in world without roads.
Any chicken that lives within a hundred miles of a road is suffering an inhumane existence and might eventually be hit by a car so we should
kill it today to ensure that it does not die tomorrow.

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