Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Read Between the lines - USDA Conference Call

I've got the transcript in front of me from the USDA conference call regarding the new rules for retail pet stores, that took place on Sept 10, 2013, Thanks to the Sportsman and Animals Owners' Voting Alliance! I've also listened to the recording of the call, courtesy of The Cavalry Group. After examining the details of the call, I tried to imagine how it might go with a "read-between-the-lines" interpretation. Here we go!

Welcome, callers. After suffering years of much yammering in our ears from scam groups like the Humane Society of the United States, the Doris Day Animal League, the ASPCA and other radical animal extremist groups, we are posting new rules limiting your exemption from the Animal Welfare Act as a retailer of pets. Dogs, primarily. But of course we will combine different species to "count against you" in order to limit you further.
We've discovered that 80% of breeders out there are hobbyists and are escaping our iron fist. That will never do! We want them to change to a business model.

The humaniac supporters of our new rules claim that USDA licensing is the hallmark of a "puppy mill". We're not so sure about that, but we are really listening to them. It seems that even though they don't like USDA licensed breeders, they want to have thousands more of them. Go figure! But, we need the money so we're anxious to get started. Why, they've already greased the palms of the politicians who appoint us with millions of dollars! We are DETERMINED to please them! Maybe we'll enjoy more of that sweet gravy!

We relied on the HSUS and other animal fanatics to help write up these new rules. They decided that you should be allowed no more than four female dogs on your premises. Any intact bitch "counts against you" as long as she is not too old or too young. But we will be the ones to decide if she "counts against you" or not! It's good to be queen, no? We don't bother with those pesky little details, like whether or not she is ever actually bred.

Further, our good friends, the humaniacs, insist that you must have a face-to-face meeting involving buyer, seller and the pet when the transfer is made. This doesn't need to be at your home, where you could be robbed at gunpoint or targeted by animal rights nuts who enjoy turning breeders in to authorities for any infraction of rules or laws, whether real or imagined.

No problem! You can meet in the WalMart parking lot. Just like all the people who sell sick dogs out of the backs of their trucks that they brought up from Mexico a few days ago.. You just go ahead and model your business practices after them. Many of them claim to be "rescues", so we can be sure that they are more noble than the rest of humanity. We like those "rescues" because they don't intentionally breed dogs. At least, we can't prove that they do, so no point in pursuing them. They are exempt from any and all rules.

Even though all dogs shipped currently are examined by a veterinarian, we have no confidence in the ability of a veterinarian to evaluate health. A veterinary health certificate is useless, even though all airlines currently require one to ship a dog. The buyer knows better than a veterinarian if the pet is healthy or not. Besides, we really don't care about health. It's all about getting snitches into your home in our quest to stop you from breeding.  

We are fully aware that hundreds of thousands of you oppose being brought under wholesale, commercial breeder regulations. We also know of the many concerns you have and exactly WHY you are opposed. We've read all of your comments, petitions and letters; but frankly, WE DON'T CARE. These are the new rules. If you don't like them, then you can just quit breeding dogs. Please.

We are only here today to explain to you, the BREEDERS who sell and ship sick, genetically defective pets to poor, unsuspecting buyers, why you can't do that any more. We will answer your questions if we feel like it. Regarding the questions we don't understand or don't want to be truthful about? Well, we will simply hem, haw and hedge.

Frankly, we don't like the fact that the information superhighway has facilitated sales of pets. Things have just been too easy lately for buyers and sellers. We prefer the days when people had to rely on classified ads in newspapers or the back of magazines to sell pets. That really put a cramp on pet sales, and we appreciated that. We really thought it was terrible that Sears, Roebuck and Co. sold dogs by catalog, but we could never figure our any way to "get" them for doing that.

Until now, that is.

We initially provided estimates on how many more breeders we thought we would be licensing, but we really doubt that will happen. We know that most of you will give up your dog breeding entirely, or at least cut it back significantly. If you want to give USDA licensing a whirl, we anticipate that you will need a one-time investment in an amount to effectively double the size of your current mortgage, to convert your home into a commercial kennel. Of course, your local zoning laws will prevent that anyway, so don't worry! It's all good.

OK let's get right to those questions! Who is first?

Susan from Virginia Federation of Dog Clubs and Breeders:
My dogs both work in the field and are pets and are show dogs, too. Must I become USDA licensed? What do you consider a "working dog" for purposes of exemption?

Dr. Russian:
Let me get this straight, you have a dog who does multiple things?

Susan: Right.

Dr. Russian:
Wow that's incredible! Then you must keep separate kennels. Dogs that work must be kept separately from dogs who are pets.

But it's the same breed. It's the same dogs. All my dogs have multiple uses. They are retrievers, they hunt. I don't keep them in kennels. They are house pets too. Would hunting dogs and retrieving dogs be considered "working dogs" for purposes of exemption?

Dr. Russian:
What a conundrum. I really don't understand the concept of dogs having multiple uses and purposes. I suggest you call me and run your "business model" past me. That way I can figure out the best way to harrass you, OK? And make sure to tell all the other people in your group to call me, too! Next caller.

Roland from the National Finch and Softbill Society:
Are birds exempt? What about birds or dogs bred to a breed standard? How many comments opposed your new rules? Will the USDA contract out their inspections?

Birds are exempt. That's why we took your call. Geez, why did you have to ask other questions too? Who the hell is screening these callers?

Well, let me try to tackle the other questions, since this is probably all going on the record. We have no plans to outsource inspections at this time. Why should we when we have HSUS lackies employed right here at the USDA for that purpose? No comment on how many comments were submitted in opposition to the new rules. We frankly don't care. As to standards, we have our own standards, and they are arbitrary and capricious. That suits us just fine. We don't care about you.

Again, why are show standards not taken into consideration?

Dr. Russian:
The rules are up, read them and get back to me. We've already told you, we don't give a shit about show standards.

Sarah from HSUS and Doris Day Animal League:
We are SO EXCITED that OUR new rules are going into effect!!! We only hope that they can do enough damage to really cripple pet breeding here in the US before this gets challenged in court. Our group (DDAL) already tried to push retail hobby breeders into the same regulations as wholesale, commercial breeders, but the courts ruled that we couldn't do that. The nerve of those courts, upholding the constitution! But that won't stop us from continuing on our crusade to ban breeding! My question is, how will you make effective use of your time and limited resources? How soon will you jump on board our bandwagon and start reaching out to bitchslap some breeders?

Not to worry, Sarah and other goodie two-shoes. We want to get to the most people as quickly as possible in order to protect animals from being exploited as pampered pets. We will look initially at those breeders we can catch who appear to have high volume, then we will be happy to take complaints from humaniacs such as yourself. So we will be depending on you guys from HSUS, DDAL, CAPS and other to help us out here, OK? Please don't let us down!!

We are ready, Kevin!! We won't fail in our quest to shut down every dog breeder in the US! Thanks again!

Jennifer from the HTPCB:
What is the definition of a "breeding bitch"?

It doesn't matter as long as you let people into your home to inspect you. Why are you breeders so hung up on definitions? We make the definitions up as we go along.

Dr. Russian:
Breeding FEMALE (oh I just can't bring myself to use that "B" word!). I say, it's a dog that can breed. Ultimately, we decide what does or does not "count against you" for your numbers limit. End of story!

Cathy from Animal Welfare Institute:
Hallelujah! Our prayers have been answered! New rules to put more pet breeders out of business. I just want to be sure you cover each and every species of pet. There is too much animal suffering, forcing them to be pets.

Yes, don't worry. All species of pets are covered.

Whew! Thanks again!

Tracy from the HSUS:
We are thrilled that those greedy, evil breeders will now be forced into the USDA system or quit breeding entirely. Thrilled, I tell you! When can we get started?

Well, by law, we have to wait 60 days to start enforcing any new rules. However, our motto here at the USDA is "why wait on legal technicalities"? Let's start right now looking for people to harrass by going through breed registries and looking at people advertising on the internet. We hope they will voluntarily just give up breeding on their own, or turn themselves in for enforcement, but if not, don't worry, we'll be on the lookout for them.

Larry, President of North American Falconers Association:
Are birds exempt?

Another call about birds? Great! Yes, birds are exempt.

But you just told the lady from Animal Welfare that all species of pets are included?

Well if you were looking for honesty, Larry, this is the wrong place to be. Birds are exempt. We haven't figured out how to include them "at this point". Our friends at the HSUS are helping us work on getting standards in place to regulate birds.

Great!! Birds are exempt! Yay!

Linda, hobby breeder:
Currently buyers all come into my house. I don't ship. So I'm a retail store, right?

You are covered.

Dr. Russian:
People don't need to come to your home for you to be exempt. Don't listen to Kevin, he doesn't know what the fuck he is talking about.

Wal Mart parking lot is OK?

Sure, why not? But be careful not to get arrested in the states that have laws against sales in public places. Those new laws are awesome!! Hooray for HSUS! We're so glad to see that selling animals is now a crime in many places.

My daughter and I both have breeding bitches, she has three, I have five. I also am a broker for other people. How does all that work? These new rules are confusing.

Dr. Russian:
We see intact dogs on your premises, they are being counted. If you don't ship any dogs you are not covered. But now that we know you are a dog breeder and broker, we are going to definitely have you on our radar screen.

But I don't ship.

We will wait, maybe, for a few months or even years before we start to go after people like you. But rest assured, we WILL be coming after you eventually. What we say now, and how the rules are written, may be two entirely different things.

I advertise online, sometimes dozens of dogs for sale at a time.

Boy, you are one of those upfront, honest people who will be the first to go. SUCKER!!

Since you say you don't ship, we will be leaving you alone. Temporarily. Rules will be tightened up in the future to better protect dogs and persecute breeders.

Deborah from ASPCA:
Thank you thank you! How can we make sure that everyone is licensed within 60 days? How will we go after people who don't apply for a license?

Dr. G:
We will outreach beginning immediately. We will try to get the more naïve to turn themselves in and those who don't, we will be on the lookout for them. Rest assured, humaniacs, that your wish is our command.

Carla, breeder of Aussies:
There is an exemption for working dogs. What about stock dogs? And, if I have a state license, why do I need a license with the feds?

We don't care how many layers of bureaucracy you have to contend with. The more, the better. I don't know what a "stock dog" is so I'll let Dr. Russian address that part.

Dr. Russian:
Good God, I don't know what a "stock dog" is either. But if it isn't used for research, teaching, testing, experimentation, exhibition or use as a pet, then we can't sink our meat hooks into it. Darn.

Kara from MPBA:
Can we advertise on the internet as long as we don't ship? What about my stock dogs? What if I say I'm selling breeders? Can't you give us a few loopholes to work with?

Dr. Russian:
We LOVE people who advertise on the net, that's where we will go a-huntin' for breeders. So advertise away! Your business model is what we are looking at. If you sell dogs, then how you do it is OUR decision!

After all these questions about dogs for stock, I am really wondering now what the heck you are talking about. Stocking the shelves of your stores? Making soup? You breeders are really wierd!!

We are from the government, and we are here to help! Restraint of trade is what we do best. Who needs free enterprise? Phooey.

We suggest if you are confused about the rules that you call us so we can begin to investigate you immediately. We need to know about your "business model" even though you are a hobby breeder, not a business. We don't take into consideration your profit or loss, only the fact that you dare to sell pets. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. We are here for the animals, and as long as we draw breath and continue to collect our six-figure salaries (provided by your tax dollars), we are committed to continuing to dream up new ways to screw over anyone evil enough to breed pets.

I will happily refer those of you with further questions to our knowledgeable enforcement division: Sarah L. Conant, former lawyer for the Humane Society of the US, and animal rights extremist Deborah Dubow Press. They are waiting to prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law. They'll even do it with a smile!

And, if we can drive a few breeds extinct, or prevent someone from getting the dog of their dreams, then our efforts will not have been in vain.

The dog of tomorrow, once breeding is stopped.


  1. LOVE it!!! and yes that is exactly the answer I got to my question...what you did not hear was me saying WTH? LOL

  2. I lived in Brooklyn NY once and bought a dog from Los Angeles, whom I had never seen. Some years later while still living in Brooklyn, I bought a dog from Ohio, whom I had never seen. Then I moved to Boston and bought a dog from Finland, whom I had never seen. And also a dog from New York, whom I COULD have seen but I did not bother. I
    had seen her ancestors and it was all cool.
    Then I moved to California and bought a dog from Texas whom I had never seen, and a dog from Massachusetts, whom I had never seen and several dogs from Washington State, whom I had never seen.
    Recently I got a dog from West Virginia and another one from Colorado, neither of which had I seen.
    All of this took place over a period of say, forty years or so.
    I did this to be able to mix and match the gene pool.
    and at one time all we had were polaroids which we mailed to each other, there was no internet, no possibility of seeing the dogs in motion on the screen.
    So I am pretty pissed off at this chazzerai.

  3. And nothing is going to change. Licensing breeding facilities simply allows them to ship and continue to ship "sight unseen". What exactly do they mean by "ship" anyway? By air? By sea? In a truck overloaded with crated animals?

    Great piece. Thank you.

  4. So sad. Eventually all the puppymills will be out of business. Then what will we do?

    1. If you want a dog I guess you'll have to get one from Mexico or Taiwan. Rabies, parvo, screw worm, distemper and all those other fun diseases coming right at ya, anonymous! It couldn't happen to a more deserving person.

    2. Not really, the only ones who will remain in business wil be USDA licensed commercial facilities. And there's nothing wrong with that!

    3. You want dogs to live alone in kennels in puppymill-like conditions instead of with families? And there is nothing wrong with that? This rule pretty much turns good breeders into puppy mills. Yeah, great rule.

      Guess I shouldn't feed the troll though.

    4. Well, we won't be having dogs as pets anymore because all breeders will be classified as puppy mills and only criminals will have dogs.

    5. My USDA puppy died at the vet to the tune of $2000 vet bills after having her home 2 days... My pets from hobby breeders have all been healthy and happy.

    6. you bet b/c your hobby breeder pet was probably born in the owner's bedroom and watched, worried over, played with, snuggled with, kissed and spoiled many times a day. Yep, we're bad people. I am not going to ship anymore. period. guess that will solve any problems we have, huh? stupid people who think they know what we do and the hours and $$$ spent at the vet...what a load of horse poop...

    7. Gee, when all the puppy mills are gone, I guess you will have to go to a reputable national rescue group.
      And don't you dare say there are none. I will send one of my rescues to pee on your foot.

    8. You rescue nimrods are so stupid. Where the hell do you think your dogs come from? The cabbage patch? And just why would anyone say there are no "rescues"? There are literally millions of dogs pawned off on people each year with the claim that they have been "rescued". What a load of claptrap.
      The "rescue" industry is big business. And as fewer and fewer dogs are bred here in the US each year, rescues are stocking their shelves with hundreds of thousands of dogs from the Caribbean, Europe, China, and Mexico. These dogs are often sick. That's why the rescue industry tries so hard to eliminate the competition and create a monopoly for themselves.
      No thanks, you were right the first time....there are no REPUTABLE national rescue groups.
      "Rescues" think they are so "above it all" but guess what? This rule applies to you too. You can no longer ship a dog sight-unseen without drawing scrutiny from the feds. Enjoy it, you deserve it.

    9. welcome to "Thin Air Rescue". we get our dogs from the sky and when all of the breeders of any type are gone you can call us.. we will have plenty of dogs HSUS will see to that.. or not.. wait you mean they don;t want ANY dogs.. oh right .. but wait then how will I get my halo and angel wings?

  5. This blog is the funniest thing (on an un-funny subject) I've read in ages! I'd like your permission to reprint it (with attribution, of course) on my blog-site:
    Thanks for your consideration.
    Virginia Zurflieh
    Scarborough Boxers since 1973

    1. Sure, Virginia, as long as you provide a link back to this web page. Reading this over today, I realize how much more could have been added, but I think it's long enough. I am glad you enjoyed it!!!

  6. This was a great much easier to follow than the real one which said EXACTLY the same thing. Thank you!

  7. In my opinion this all started with an H$U$/PETA hoax and has continued on the basis of that same on going AR (long con) Hoax. A money making scheme by the grifters & the shills who have no interest in animals other than the money they can make exploiting a hoax. That hoax is inextricably linked to veganism another Hoax that encourages people to deprive their bodies of animal protein necessary for brain and other body functions. We are omnivores not herbivores just look at our teeth and stomach, not made by nature to digest just plant material.

    Please read

  8. I heard on "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me" (an NPR program) that vegans are: no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no sense of humor. Ain't that the truth!

    Animal Rights: People who know nothing about animals, and less about rights.


  9. You have to balance what they say against what the regulation says because the inspectors will go by the regulation. They don’t give a rat’s patoot about what Rushin et al say on conference calls. They don’t even care about what the regulations say if it allows enough vagueness to interpret as they see fit. Very important thing to keep in mind: Sarah Conant heads inspection department. She is HSUS from the top of her head to the tip of her toes. HSUS has no problem with lying, cheating, twisting the truth or any other underhanded thing they can think up to kill the breeding industry completely. To Quote Betsy Fickel recently, “Being a USDA breeder in Iowa right now is not a good thing to be”. I imagine that quote can be heard in every state right now with USDA breeders and the only change would be the name of the state. Hearsay is what Rushin and the Corker woman have to offer and it will stand up against the regulation as well as it does in a court of law....not admissable. I guarantee you that every new inspector hired by the USDA since 2010 are avid HSUS followers. We've got anti-agriculture Tom Vilsack at the top, and HSUS cronies all the way down through the rank and file.

    My best advice is to sit down, grab your favorite painkiller for headaches and read the new regulations and then do what you have to do to avoid being sucked into the USDA trolling net. You’ll regret getting caught in it.

  10. We are being told that the buyer and seller can meet at another place than the breeder's home. That you can meet buyers at the airport and turn the puppy over to them there.

    In truth we don't know for certain how the new rule will be enforced.
    The rule itself says at the breeders premises (unless one of the other
    exemptions applies). But APHIS personnel have repeatedly said 'any
    face to face meeting, anywhere.'

    As a practical matter we should follow the words of the rule. I have
    NEVER seen a written rule that was not enforced as strictly as the
    words allowed, and sometimes the enforcement has gone well beyond a 'reasonable man' reading of the words.

    Do not forget that this came from HSUS and they have a history of
    suing to force stricter enforcement. I think it's likely that they
    approve the softening of the meaning in 'explanations' by APHIS
    personnel but will later say "Go by the WORDS of the rule."

    How many here have forgotten Prop. 2 out in California? HSUS said
    'enough room for laying hens to flap their wings and express other
    natural behaviors ' when they promoted the ballot proposition. Then
    after the prop. passed one of the companies out there built a brand
    new state-of-the-art henhouse with that much space and HSUS said well what it actually requires is a lot more space than that.

    It will be the same with this rule. Only volunteers for 'test case'
    should be comfortable meeting pet buyers at the airport or elsewhere.

  11. I'm afraid for what this is going to do to rare breeds! You may not breed your rare breed bitch due to restrictions, but that actually is something HUGE to that breed. The loss of even one pure blood animal from a limited gene pool has the potential for major knock on effects. The ARs bang on about inbreeding and over modified animals, well then, use it against them. By removing your bitch from the gene pool her mix of genes and environment developed traits are lost.
    If you are unable to send her offspring around the country in an affordable and safe manner, the breed has the chance of becoming critically endangered.
    Could this not be used as an argument? You would be breeding and shipping the offspring to promote a more varied generic pool for this breed, from which future did owners could draw their animals
    The limitation in place for shipping puppies, studs or semen worldwide could effect inbreeding and such. Allowing shipping of puppies and older dogs helps spread genes around.

    What about those like myself over in the UK who wish to purchase an American born animal? Personally I'd like to get enough funds to import two rare/endangered breeds to the UK to help our bloodlines and introduce new breed to UK.
    How does that work? What about horses? some call them pets, others livestock. What regulates them?

    I'm here in the UK. Guess what, there's a petition to get this sort of thing put in place in the UK. Very unhappy.
    I keep rabbits. I believe in good animal welfare and husbandry techniques. Different breeds have different needs. The Rabbit Welfare Fund wants it to be law that all hutches are 2x6x2ft in size with min size run of 6x8ft attached. They must be kept in pairs or groups. That would kil l the rabbit fancy. Some small breeds don't require too much space, and become skittish in large areas.
    A lot of breeders also ship stock using one of two courier services, by getting animals carried by another breeder headed same way, or picked up at shows.

    I've got a slightly ARist future brother in law, though trying to educate him. I argue to him, that breeders who are into a breed for love, to improve the lines etc, do NOT make money on breeding. The cost of looking after parent stock is expensive, as is providing the right housing.

  12. I enjoyed it too and truly hate the people for putting this into effect. They are wicked and will stop at nothing to see their agenda put into place.

  13. Hey,
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